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Friday, December 02, 2005

That's the way we do it on the MTV. That's the franchise , but what do I care. I've been away and now this seems as though maybe it was a mistake. This dark sinister undercover attempt at revealing the depth of my pain. Can you feel it ? "I can" ,said,Simple Simon to the pieman... "three bags full ". La ,de, da... and that is the way I enter the way I am- and that is all I can do to accelerate the being of the thing that has me coming back for more , even after an extremely bad series of events , that are just the way it is here at the Rainfield of Dreams. We are a construct out of the time continuum, that as we now observe ...has all the makings of a great future that requires us to love even what we cannot accept. I must say, I do feel free, and so it is not without trepidation that I carry on in an affair that has all the makings of a third coming. Small t-, small c.. There is a pretention of beingness when the only knowingness one has is the retention of the moment, that is but completing itself ,as it circumvents it's inevitable demise. Concretius Factimosus are in order -as in proof of life and truth in facts stated. I work ,I earn ... as yet this is all I will say. There are reasons I am secret - and as yet I do not understand- I am not yet ready for the city , but I see that coming, even though,at this time, this is not seventh grade ready as a document of distinction, but that will come and as such I am a poem of myself , because I am and have always been at best an abstraction, because I am a functioning autistic in the sense that I am in my own little world -which is great, but not worthy of sharing , so as yet ... I have really only ever shared it with myself. It is a kind of empirical empathy . I have never stated those two words or their meaning together before, but they do capture the true way I go about the encountering of reality, because I do engage the world - I just have really never had an agenda- even when I have been accused of screwing things up on purpose. That is the humerous side of what this is. It has no plan . This moment is not planned -one letter follows another. Should anyone care -now or ever . If you have come this far , then you are experiencing some of what I can reveal right now. Is it valid as weight, a scale against the anquish of time and place- I cannot say, but I know no amount of pain that I feel in in my being is as great as the pain I feel for the world. Now, how can I resolve to make my feelings of love and hope become a furthering of the world of man that is going right and being holy in the hand of God and being servants in the plan to save us from ourselves. So much of our everyday work and ethical demeanor is guided from the integrity of our devotion to truth. We proceed , but do we succeed? I might not have ever written this if it hadn't been here, so that is this night, and there will be others, and I will find out more about how this affects me, as I accept the fact that I need to be this person, too. I have to become a hero to myself, so that I can be brave and honest and strong , and so I can find out why God has kept me alive this long. Not seeing a special way for me, just an adjustment to what has become so hidden in me, that I don't even admit that it exists; but know that it does- everytime I am so happy for someone who is passionate about their purpose and plan. One gets caught up and captured by sweetness of their delight. And there I end for now.Humbly yours, Hubert Rainfield,esq.

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