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Sunday, December 04, 2005

I fall apart everytime I think of you . There is no center to my life. Man from Mars. Courtesy of Joni Mitchell, the singer, and now I am in, and she is also the most beautiful artist I have ever known. Not that I have known her, but in my youth, she was an inspiration...during a time, when I was receptive to the poetry, the jazz of being in grace. The life of being as you are and then some, and then you try to control the pull and sway of what is working so well. It can go away so quickly, and then what do you do? I do something else for a long time. That is... until now. I love this new me. Trying to buzz the tops off of the trees, that have grown around me, and that is bold, because eventually someone may read me and I would like that to be my wife, because then she could see that I am more than she believes me to be. I know in my heart I have not appreciated her, for all that she is, but I know that if she knew me ...she would hopefully encourage me to find out , what it is, that needs to be done. At this point ,I am merely freeing up the pieces and flying in relative time and knowing that speed and efficiency will come with time and then I will fly in the glorious light of flow and beyond. I do know that at this point, I am a point and shoot character in this western world desire to succeed to the dream ...that has always been lying there , ready to be picked up and kicked along this path that lies ahead, and can you feel me here in your eyes? I can; and I want it to be good for everyone, so it can be good for me . Should I say this unusual e-mail literary attempt at connecting with the past and the present and the path are all very clumsy and may have come to a screaming halt, but that is the mystery of me, because I will come to see this area of my blogs to be the experimental one. This is my call to the the heart of everyone who is where I am and where I have been. So much to be, and there is all the time in the world. I have been down, but I am pulling myself up and it will eventually amaze me that I have finally done what I always needed to do. Right now , I feel as though I invented the medium that we are in, but of course, it is because within the mind of mankind, we are all one and when we recognize that, we are burning in each others hearts. We have been found again, and when it comes, it will be the ride of your life. Give and inch and take a mile. I am merely this man , who is surrendering to his fate and his love for what has become and what will be and how it all happened and how little control there really is. In the long run it is not about me, because I am in the end more about you , than all about me. Can this grab a scathing comment out there? Someone tell me- I am full of shit. I am just out there, and this is the end , and there will be no end like this , because there is no reason to believe that we ever come again, so I am going to leave it all out there and give everything I have to the One. Jesus Christ My Lord. My name given here is a guise - I didn't realize I would need one, when I began , but now that I have chosen to dream outloud - maybe I will need to be a little more free ; Instead of always biding my tongue for the comfort of those, who cannot free me from myself. To my course and part in the freeing of everyone, I will now give my heart and soul to being free in thought and mind , so that I may not presume to encumber anyone, excepting criminals, perverts and terrorists. Editorially speaking : I took my freedom to mean that I could design or should I say discover a new life , because before this night I didn't have one. I have a wonderful life- I just don't give it the full advantage of being free and at this late date , which does not scare me, I am taking what is mine and I will play the role I was born to play. Thank you for your time and attention and now I think I should go away for awhile and rest, because it is one a.m. here and my time stamp always says it's three in the afternoon ... but I haven't fixed it . I don't say I can write, but I sure can go on in this vain , that is the authentic self and that pleases me , because I haven't been here in fifteen or so years . It's nice to know that the boy that finally grew up is still the boy I always wanted to be. Hubert Rainfield,esq.

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